Let me begin this rant with a quick apology… but not really, because a true Beeffalo Bull is never sorry and never wrong… but as this pertains to you, the faithful UBrothers of UBfan.com, I owe you a Bull-to-bull apology as I’ve almost broken a promise to deliver a fresh, hot and angry “Two Minutes Hate…” every week. I'll admit that I REALLY mailed it in on the Stony Brook one. I’ve been on a somewhat amazing (and hellish) 23 day work trip that took me through five different countries, and almost three-times as many airports, so I’m only now getting a chance to write this on an Acela train from NYC to DC. Forgive me UBrothers, for this foe deserves more time and attention than the hastily written, Wednesday-afternoon-released rant that follows.
UCONN… (cringe) just saying the name makes you feel nauseous… and douchey. Like you need to run your hand over your head to make sure you’re not wearing a visor or a fedora... or check yourself in the mirror to make sure saying the name didn’t somehow frost your hair or change your outfit to a white-beater and plaid shorts, with argyle socks pulled up above your knees. Don’t worry, it doesn’t do that… but that terrible, sick feeling is there whenever you have to say “UCONN”.
It’s hard to describe how much… just… eecckth… this school conjures up in me. From the fans, and their preposterous sense of grandeur and accomplishment, to the no-city it occupies, Storrs, Connecticut, UCONN just offers nothing good for humanity. It’s all just a big smelly bag of Axe body spray, Amazonian women, and unabashed pretentiousness that the world would be better off without.
So… other than that, why should we hate them? Let’s do this…Smart Coaches have used UCONN like the Gloryhole of a HC job that it is…
Skip Holtz and Randy Edsall stayed long enough to get their nut and get a (marginally) better job. Skip decided to move down to move up by taking the OC position at South Carolina (having his career momentarily rescued by his Dad, renowned dementia sufferer and barely-tolerated TV personality, Lou Holtz) and Randy Edsall jumped to the first real program in an AQ conference that would interview him after 11 years as a Husky. Randy took full advantage of a pedestrian 8-5 season and the Big Least’s horsesh1t auto-bid to the Fiesta Bowl in 2011.
Their current coach, Paul Pasqualoni, has already risen to 13th on UCONN’s all-time wins list by going 5-8 in his historic two seasons with the Huskies. Pasqualoni, whose “accolades” include tying for 1st in the Big Least Conference with an overall record of 6-6 and getting FIRED in the process, and staying out of Donovan McNabb’s way long enough to win two other Big Least titles, is figuring out his coaching career plan C in Storrs. He will no doubt jump for a graduate assistant position at a real program if he can manage a record of .500 or better at UCONN. Pasqualoni is widely considered to be one of the most charisma-less, charmless and forgettable coaches in American football. To prove my point, here’s the actual picture of Pauly from his wiki page –
Nice head shot PP. Best of luck getting the fvck out of the Big Lea… I mean the AAC. The key to the UCONN football offices is attached to a big broom handle. If you're an aspiring coach, do yourself a favor and drive past the UCONN exit to the next best career truck stop... you don't want to catch this kind of career herpes on the way up.It’s in Connecticut
Oh Connecticut… how often we forget you’re even there. From it's founding at some time in the past (there's no Connecticut Wiki page as no one cares*), the state’s only purpose has been to serve as a tax haven and country club repository for New York City’s yacht and polo crowd. It’s the only place on earth where you’ll find people wearing madras pants and nautical-themed clothes who are actually on their way to do something nautical… for which this kind of apparel is hilariously ill-suited. Despite the disproportionate number of rich a$$holes in the state, there's a far larger (and far more intolerable) number of people pretending to be rich a$$holes. This has led to nearly catastrophic levels of DPMs (Douchyness Per Square Mile) leading the EPA to begin regulation of Smug levels in the major marina areas. I wanted to show you all some of the damage that this amount of unfounded elitism has caused, so I googled “Connecticut Douchey” and found this proof of CT's historical doucheyness -http://civil-war-soldiers.findthedata.org/l/1493461/William-E-Douchey
Why am I not surprised that William E. Douchey fought for the Connecticut 12th infantry during the Civil War... probably while wearing a fedora and a fake tan.They’ve done absolutely nothing as a program and yet they’ve convinced mbundt1 and probably two other people on earth that they have...
mbundt1… shame on you. A Beeffalo Bull is NEVER envious of anyone or anything. To even suggest that is to suggest that a UBrother could be imperfect or lacking. This is simply not the case. But pretending for moment that this was a board from an Ohio school, what on earth is envious of the “success” that Connecticut has achieved? We’ve already reviewed their public raping in the Fiesta Bowl in 2011, an honor gained by a Big-Least-BCS-bowl-qualifying record of 8-5. What else have they done? I’ll save you the trouble of going to Wiki or football record archives to dig up the info and give you the answer – NOTHING. Winning the Big Least without Tech or Miami is like winning the grand prize on "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader"… that should be given, and if you didn’t do that, you’re fvcking retarded.
Their 2013 season has started as enviable as ever, going 0-3 with an opening loss to FCS Towson. Count me Blue and White with envy.
That’s all I have time to write for now… either the train or the constant though of UCONN is making me sick, so I have to let you all take it from here.
*Don't try to verify that.